A message from an ‘oldie’

It’s strange not having any parents. I don’t mean in a tragic way that a young orphan might have no parents but I mean as a mature adult who has been lucky enough to see both of their parents reach old age before they died. I’m really struggling to pin down the feeling in my own mind so it might be a bit ambitious to try to describe it but I’ll have a go.

Many years ago when I was a lot braver than I am now I used to do a bit of rock climbing. If you were a novice climber and short of cash you generally climbed on a single 11mm rope but more experienced climbers employed two slightly thinner ropes of 9mm. Each rope would support you in the case of a fall but it was more flexible to have two in terms of placing anchor points in the rock. If in some unlikely circumstance one of the ropes became ineffective you could still rely on the second rope to support you. Having two parents alive is similar in a way and when my Dad died over fifteen years ago, although it was sad and I missed him, I didn’t feel anything like I did when Mum died many years later.

I was present when she died and it was a moving experience. In many ways it was a relief for her and for us so there was no sensation that it shouldn’t have happened. No blame or regret, just a feeling of inevitability. For a while I was wrapped up in the funeral arrangements and sorting out her estate and it was quite some time before I became aware of the feeling of climbing without ropes.

It was an odd feeling because it wasn’t as if Mum had been able to offer me any support in the last few years of her life; quite the reverse. As she succumbed to dementia and frailty she required more and more help from me (and the rest of the family) but as long as she was alive I was still a child. I was still the ‘next generation’ until the moment she passed away and then, as she breathed her last breath I became the ‘older generation’.

Those supporting ropes that are always there for us were gone for good. I became more acutely aware of all the other lines that form the network that we rely on to get us through life. I still had a wife, two children, a sister, cousins and other relatives and friends of course but to go back to the climbing analogy I now realised that all of these metaphorical ropes were different. They were of different strengths or thickness and perhaps the reason I felt so different was because the guys that bind us to our parents are often the strongest of them all.

I don’t feel like I am in danger of falling without Mum and Dad, it’s more like when a couple of spokes break in a wheel and it isn’t quite as strong as it was but it will still function with a bit of tweaking. Maybe, in time, the other strands that bind me to friends and family will grow stronger to take up the strain and this sensation that I have now will fade away. I’m not actually sure I want it to though. I’m not sad, not at all. No I am comforted by the fact that I am really aware of those missing support lines and it makes me appreciative of what they gave me for so long.

Supporting guys, Swansea Bay

Supporting guys, Swansea Bay

I am less enthusiastic about the sensation that there is nothing now between me and old age. I can’t hide behind the old age of my parents anymore, comforted by the fact that it isn’t my turn yet. No matter how many years and adventures I have left in my life, I have to face the fact that there is no looking up any more, only down to those that come after me. The next generation.

For many years our family used to gather at a hotel in St. Anne’s for a weekend get together. It was a lovely time and often there would be four generations sharing the experience. We used to refer, affectionately, to my Mum and Dad’s generation as ‘the oldies’ at those gatherings. We haven’t managed a reunion like that for a while now but every now and again, at a family funeral or wedding there is talk of reinstating the annual institution. I’m not altogether sure that I want to be an ‘oldie’ but I don’t suppose it’s a matter of choice any more.

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2 thoughts on “A message from an ‘oldie’

  1. I know what you mean about the guide ropes having gone. It takes time to readjust. I sometimes think we don’t get over things, we just get used to them, and I wonder if that’s the case with losing parents. I always felt that my mum backed me 100%, even if I was making a complete dog’s breakfast of things. That kind of foundation is hard to replace.

    • How strange. After I wrote and posted that I came across your blog post from early January about your possessions. As you were typing your comment I must have been reading these words of yours: “She always said all she ever wanted was for me to be happy. Seeing me that day, I hope that’s how she remembers me.”

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